The big deal about Fidelity !

Was just wondering what fidelity is? And why is it such a big deal?
Is it equivalent to monogamy?  " until death do us part..."

Is it ...I want you to be mine forever... or  I'll be your's forever....
Is it in possession or in being possesed?

Being loyal...being faithful...being married all your life to the one you never really loved while you still miss that someone else in your silent moments..

In a relationship...is it an assurance or a requirement?
And the lack of it...can it ever be forgiven or just forgotten?

Lessons for the society with daughters !

So another gang rape in a moving car in Dellhi today...another girl found hanging by a tree in a UP village ...various politicians and women activists busy discussing the grim situation on different news channels.

What is one suppose to feel on hearing or reading such things??
Anger....aggression ....frustration !!

But I don't...instead I feel amused...pity...helpless !

Surprised, because you cannot correlate these emotion with the context mentioned here.

Let me explain and then you decide for yourself .

Today me and a colleague of mine found an objectionable folder named after another junior colleague of ours, on one of the desktops at our working station. Though the folder was empty and did not contain any obsence content as it's name suggested,  it was clear that the folder was created by someone in the department itself with not so good intentions. We were furious and reported the matter to the concerned authorities.  Investigation was initiated but then soon  stopped because the junior colleague in question did not want to pursue the matter any further.

Why??  Because she was counselled by another senior colleague , not to report it because if she gives a  written complaint , the matter will be out in open and everybody would know about it. And she should not be influenced by me in particilar,  because, since I am not married , I will never understand the consequences she may have to face . Nothing serious has happened yet and you can anyway not change people's sick mentality . So she should let it be..

What the F ?
I was trying to stand up for somebody who doesn't want to do it for herself .

So the b@$!@¥€ is still going to roam around in the department till he gathers enough courage to do it to me, for me to challenge him.
Grrrrrrrrrrrrr !!!!!!

And then I met a patient of mine who tried to commit suicide today. Why??  Becuase he was depressed about his illness, his financial crunch and his daughter who is fighting a divorce case . He wants his daughter to reconcile and go back to the same family which abandoned her within a day of her marriage declaring her a 'pagal'!!

Though I wanted to blast him off, but considering his mental state ,I tried to reason with him.And after about 45 mins of counselling I was able to convince him , or at least I think so, that his daughter is better off with him rather than going back into such a family where they could have done anything to her if she was forcefully sent back .
Uffffffffff !!!!!!

Hopefully, that gave you an insight into the choice of my emotions !

So what do you feel now ?

Anger or amusement...
Aggression or pity....
Frustration or helplessness...

But , what do we learn from the events of the day?

Let me enumerate the lessons I learnt... the leasons our society needs to learn too...

*For the girls :

Goddammit !! Stand up for yourself  before its too late . No one else is going to do it for you. No father , no brother , no husband is going to protect you always and everywhere. You have to do it for yourself. Don't wait till you get raped . Raise your voice everytime anybody misbehaves with you. You did no wrong so don't feel embarrassed.  Embarrass the other person and let him know you are not going to take it lightly.

*For the husband and the in-laws :

She left her home and came to yours. It's your duty not only to protect but also support her. If someone misbehaves with her its not her fault. There is no embarrassment in standing up for her.

*For the parents:

Don't just get rid of her by marrying her off ! Marriage is a part of her, not her whole existence. She can do better off without an abusive husband. She is your flesh and blood. Feel her pain. Don't push her towards someone or somewhere she is not welcomed. She may never come back.

And just as you teach your girls to protect themselves and their dignity, don't forget to teach your boys too, to treat them with respect.

P.S: Just because I am not married doesn't mean I own no dignity or command no resecpt. Beware !! Because I can be dangerous by the virtue of my single status.

Filmistaan

Filmistaan is one of the most powerful movies I have seen in recent times. It proves that you do not need a superstar, a beautiful heroine , an item number , some heavy weight dialogues or expensive cars colliding to  make a good movie..a multi crore blockbuster may be. But for making one that will touch hearts you have to put yours into the making of it.

The essence of the movie lies in the scene where the lead character, when told that he has been kidnapped and is held hostage in Pakistan, says how could he have known where he was...everything including the  faces, their mannerism and even their food is identical.

There is another scene where a hakeem treating the lead character recalls his childhood  days in Amritsar . When he is told about the no more in existence of a particular 'mohalla' he use to live in, he says with a sigh " When the nation itself could not survive partition, how could a small neighbourhood have !! " It was an extremely powerful performance,however in the middle of it, l suddenly realised that this generation depicted through this hakeem ,which saw and survived partition, is soon going to perish...may be in another 10 to 20 years. Those who have not experienced that pain , including me who is much younger and both Narendra Modi and Nawaz Sharif  born post independence,  can and will never understand what it was like. So their efforts for peace , however sincere, can also never be the same. This implies that this is the time... before it gets too late for it. And Filmistaan is an excellent effort in the direction coming from bollywood. Nitin Kakkar and Sharib Hashmi you can both take a bow !

I remember fearing , while I was a kid in the 80's , that it may never be possible for me to ever be able to visit Kashmir and Punjab , parts of  my own country. I am glad  that is no more true, having actually lived in the heart of Punjab for 3 years in the recent past and looking forward to visit Kashmir very soon . I hope for the day I will be able to say similar things about our neighbouring country too.

Lessons in relationships

I felt a lot disturbed today after hearing of someone I knew distanly having committed suicide. Though I never knew her personally, I find myself wondering of the  probable reasons that could have led her to take the extreme step. What reason can ever be good enough for someone to decide to end their own life ? I am told though there were a few disturbances in her relationship with her husband  sometime back ,they apparently had resolved them amicably. But even if they hadn't does a failed relationship amount to a person being a failure altogether in life?

In the world we know today where everything around is instant and quickfix why is it important for relationships to stand the test of time and last a lifetime? If someone is not comfortable in a job they move on to another, we no longer stick to a single family car for the whole life and shift to different cites and countries frequently with easy whenever necessary. Then why are there different rules and regulations to all other things in life and our relationships. It is the contrast in these situations which lead to confusion and frustration. Youngsters today must be told that it is okay for a relationship to not work and fail your expectations. Its okay for you and you partner to change and commit mistakes. And it is absoultely not required of you to carry  the baggage of a long before dead relationship till death do you apart when you can both choose to seperate and find your individual happiness. Its okay to just move on.

When any relationship ends the whole world comes crashing down. Being in depression is something only someone who has been through it can understand. I have been through the worst of it myself. But what has helped me through those tough times was having my friends by my side. Having a few or atleast one such friend is the most important treasure in life. They can possibly not solve anything for you but they atleast lend you a shoulder to cry on and an ear to listen. Everybody is aware of their own problems and even the solutions to them however often choose not to aknowledge those. Never can a third person be held responsible for a crumbled relationship, it is the non existence of a relationship that creates place for that third person. There are times when it is difficult to come to terms with a loss. We all know that every wound  heals with time, all that is required  of us is to give time some time.  At such times when you find it difficult to comprehend the situation yourself , all you needs is to hear the truth form someone else. That is when a friend can give  a tight hug assuring that it is not the end. One must never stop communicating with friends and family and  it is perfectly fine to seek help when doing it on your own may not seem possible. Seeking support is an attribute of strength and not weakness. Weak crumble under the burden of their own cowardice. So before stepping on to the road with a dead end ...just go pick up the phone and talk to someone you trust...because eventually this too shall pass.

Innocent childhood : 2

My 4 year old cousin was playing outside with her friends when our grandfather called her in as it was late already. She argued she didnt want to come in yet ,"Dada ji ..pls some time more ".
"See beta even the sun has gone home...u must come back now too ".
She looked up, the sun was no where in sight.
"But where did it go?"
"His mother must have called him back to do his homwork . You must come back and complete your's too before your mother is back from work ."
She reluctantly gave in , came back and sat down with her books.
After about an hour later by the time the sky was lit by the moonlight ,she was back again with another query , "Dada ji , then how come moon's mother doesn't say anything to him ? "
My grandfather was left puzzeled and speechless !!

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Last year my nephews went to see the Ramlila fest in our city with their parents. The kids  with all their tantrums forced them to buy  a 'dhanush baan' and a 'gada' and came back home proudly showing off thier new possessions.
Next day , I saw them playing with their new toys. I was afraid they would hurt themselves and asked them what is it they were upto?
"Masi see...I am playing Ram and he is Hanuman and we are doing a 'yudh' ".
"But beta...Ram ji and Hanuman ji were friends...they would never fight with each other ".
The younger one slapped his forehead with his palm and said "Ufffff masi..but they would practice together na !! "
I didn't know how to counter that ...

Innocent childhood...

Childhood is the best period of human life. Its uncorrupted and pristine...and is beyond the bounds of social and economic statuses we adults are trapped in.  Saw these kids on my way to work today... they were probably sent there on "work "   but they chose to plant hope on a small mound of mud they themselves created on the concrete of a divider....hope the "hope" survives into their adulthood !

Past 30 and still single!!

Recently when I teasingly asked a friend's 5 year old daughter if she would come and stay with me as I live alone and do not have a baby of my own, she very innocently asked me "Aunty, why don't you get married? "

I was left spellbound.  What does this kid know of marriage?  But then, she must definitely have heard her parents talk that about me. "It is time now that she should get married !!"

Is that all that is there to discuss about me, beind my back ??

This coming from family and neighbours is understandable , but the realisation that my friends are also talking about me in the same language has left me thinking.

What is it about marriage that will ' complete ' me in the sense I am already not ? I am a proud, self made, independent, intelligent alpha woman. I have worked hard to  make a  career for myself. I earn well enough to sustain a comfortable life for myself and if need be can fend for a 'husband ' too.

Then what is it that a man will  add to my life ?  I can under stand when they say u need someone for emotional support. But does that support really comes as unconditionally as stated by the institution of marriage. I also understand that to sustain any relationship certain compromises are required on the part of both the parties involved.  One will however require a reason good enough to make those compromises to stay  in a particular relationship. The reason could be anything from love, children,  parent's wishes or societal pressures. To each his or her own. But can being or having crossed a certain age be a reason valid enough .

I admit I have my own bouts of lonliness and brooding when I feel the need to have someone around to be able to talk freely without the concern of being judged. Lonliness can be dreadful but certainly not incurable. There are a hundred ways to keep oneself busy and occupied to keep lonliness at bay. But how does one tackle "Emptiness"?

I have seen couples celebrating silver anniversaries and still being total strangers to each other. A relationship that does not add meaning to your existence is a useless one. Two people may not complement each other but to be in a successful marriage it must be something more than just living together.

So for all my well wishers out there...contrary to the popular belief I am not averse to the institution of marriage. I am just looking for a right reason to take the plunge. A right man to come across and strike a cord with my heart. I am just waiting for that day, even if it comes at the age of fifty.  Till then please , if you can , be happy for my " happily single " status.