A stillborn mother...

Just when life starts taking its toll on me, something like this happens.

It was as if I was trapped inside a mammoth maze, with no doors or outlets, running through for a gasp of fresh air, trying to be out as soon as possible, before the darkness can cave in on me. Life had never reached this low.  Sometimes, I felt worse than the patients I was suppose to be treating.

 That day was nowhere close to a perfect one. The whole day was spent in introspection of the fruitless attempts of keeping on living a purposeless life, when I first saw you. While returning after another gloomy, dull and a hectic day dealing with the dying patients, I was afraid of going back to the lonely four walls of “my” room. I knew there won’t be anyone or anything awaiting me there. Doing what I do often on such days I decided to stay back in the hospital itself for a bit longer. So I just peeped inside our hospital emergency, to see if I could be of any help there. And that’s when your parents brought you in. A tiny little “blue” bundle wrapped inside a small blanket , wearing almost nothing and gasping for a few more breaths of life...Though according to the “mother” accompanying you claimed that you were a term baby, at 1.5 kg,you didn't look like anything more than a seven month old premature one. My old but still not lost love for pediatrics started beaming inside me again. Innocence on your face was something I had always read in books, stories and songs, used as a metaphor, but never seen or experienced firsthand.  From their carefree attitude, it seemed that your parents had brought you there only for a valid hospital death certificate, so that they could escape the charges of killing a “daughter”. But something inside the three of us- the peds resident on call, the EMO and me, told us that you wanted to live and wanted us to save you. It was the time to put in use all that we had ever learnt in medical school. Resuscitating and giving chest compressions to any patient was never the same as doing it on your tiny little body. Feeding you dextrose using a syringe and trying to put in IV cannulas in your pliable but collapsible veins was a challenge in itself. The time when we had almost lost you, as your heart stopped beating and then reviving you again with inotrpoes, my own heart had skipped a few beats. Nothing can explain why but it made me feel as if it was my own heart and life sinking. You seemed to be my only chance of survival.  That was the moment when I first sensed a kind of bonding or a relationship with you. It became not only yours but my own fight for survival. And after much struggle, we both made it. You soon cried...and we all smiled.

 Above all u had made me feel useful. That was a long lost emotion I had not felt in the recent past. I was overwhelmed and on the verge of being termed a maniac.

It’s been more than three years since that fateful evening when u defeated the insurmountable with your strong will to survive and lead a full lifespan, despite of the visible disappointment on the face of your biological parents. A survivor in the true sense of the word, I hope you continue to defeat the odds, though I am sure it must not be coming easy to you still.

 But there is something that kills me to the day. I wish I could have kept you with me forever and brought you home that day. My biological clock has been ticking for long enough now telling me that it’s about time but it was you, my baby, who made me experience motherhood for the first time.

 My darling, you will always be close to my heart. I just wish I, then, had the courage to defy the rules of this brutal society and could adopt you then and there... I wish it was just about you and me.

Often I find myself arguing with God -why me??  

But if he ever thinks, I deserve something better or he might want to pay me back for some good I may have ever done, I pray he gives it all to you. That’s the only thing I have of mine to give you, my daughter.

However today, I wish to make you another promise ...I may not have been able to do it for you but someday..sometime... when I am relieved of the ties of this society, I ‘ll definitely pay back your debt. Your debt  of bringing me back to life.... by giving life to someone else like you . And adopting her.

 I promise.

I promise.

 I love you and will always love you...

You will be in my prayers always..

God bless you my baby !!